Giving Up, Giving In
by Anvanimaserke
Summary: (SilverWing) A different version of the chapters 'Capture' and 'Betryal'. Shade fights against what he knows is right, and what he wants more then anything. Shonen-ai if you squint.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they were created by the brilliant mind of Kenneth Opppel, so no suing now!

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When it started it was like a nightmare. He had tried to wake himself up so many times, tried to cast off the horrid reality as some fiercely real nightmare. But it couldn't be... he was far too vivid to be something the small bat's mind could conjure up. All painted in blackest midnight; acrylic blood and panting feverish breaths... Goth was too much of a demon to appear in even Shade's _nightmares_.

It was all so cruel, when hope had been crushed like a frail brittle leaf. When it had been burned by the sickening _hungry_ glint in Goth's eyes. Shade could have sworn hell fires burned within them, for he had never seen hunger light eyes quite like that before...

Obligation and good bright morals set in like a habit.

"They'll fight you," he had said, "There're thousands of us there." The utter pointlessness drowned him like a deep, sucking tide. They were all doomed. Doomed to die in their sleep as a living nightmare devoured them one by one.

Hunger and agony of heart wound together in a constant throbbing. Bits and pieces of futile plans of resistance fluttered about his brain. It was all pointless. He... he couldn't breath.

Truth (or the demon's idea of it, Shade wasn't sure he could tell the difference anymore) came like a fetal blow. Goth's tongue and fangs wove around words and ideas; ensnaring the little one like he was caught in a spider's silver web. It all seemed to have some twisted sense to it, something he couldn't ignore although his mind screamed for him to force away the words.

It was more unnatural to want to be human, there were bats with worse ideals then him.

And Nocturna... Goth was right... they were all so small... so... _powerless._ Jealousy of the other bat surged little Shade. More then anything, he just wanted to be strong. Why did that label him so awful? The thought stung like an insect bite.

His eyes drew to the larger bat. So powerful, so much everything he wanted to be... but he would never eat his own kind! His morals tore away his fantasy before it could manifest and for a small moment he hated them with a terrifying burn.

Goth's fangs bared as his black lips twisted into a grin, and Shade could tell Goth watched his contamination seep through the smaller like a sickness. Marina was strong too, why couldn't Shade look up to her? She was immune to all these games... her mind was pure, she was special, far more so then a little band could point out. Then why...

... Why Goth?

Because now Marina hated him. Because he chose the wrong truth, _Goth's_ truth. She wouldn't look at him now, she hated him.

All he wanted was strength, and he hated it labeled such... the hate burned inside him, hot and searing like... like...

Hell fire.

The promise, it had been so important to him, it had been a driving force, and suddenly a new promise swallowed his mind...

"You could grow, Shade." There was something in the way his name rolled off Goth's tongue that was far more ensnaring then the promise itself. Like he was something, or could be anyway.

The image in front of Shade glowed like searing embers in his head. That tender bloody hunk of meat, and suddenly the hallow craving in his stomach, then the strange image that took him before he could stop it. Himself biting swiftly, sinking his teeth into the soft looking flesh while his fangs clicked and grinded against Goth's, then they would fight and growl, snap as they rolled across the ground snatching meat from each other's mouths.

"No..." He couldn't help but look at Marina. For a moment he felt so bare, like she might have seen into his mind. 'No...' he hummed over and over in his mind, trying to banish the images dancing within.

Goth was saying something... "You're afraid, afraid you might like it!"... He was afraid, so very afraid. A desperate thirst for sweet surrender seized him. He just wanted to give it all up...

And strangely, under the heavy folds of Goth's powerful wings, adrift in the scent of blood and Goth himself, Shade found that sweet surrender under sheets of warm sleep...

He dreamed of jungles, lush plants and hot air. The warmth wrapped around him, curling comfortably around his very bones. He felt so strong... His eyes scanned the beauty sprawling around, a smile curling his lips. Somehow it didn't seem strange that Goth was at his wingtip...

Ice swallowed him as clear conscience shattered the blissful illusion. The searing hate flowed through his veins as they flew.

"I want to go to the jungle with you." Shade stunned himself as the words tumbled out. 'It's a plan, if they trust me I can stall them...' he told himself after a few panicked moments. On the other side of his stormy mind, much darker thoughts burned. The images of his jungle flight danced through his brain and a strange thirst took him. He knew it was pure impossibility, and a sense of emptiness filled him to the point of irony.

He listened to his mouth rattle on without him, telling himself he was lying over and over. He believed himself a little less each time...

The promise is a lie.

We'll be afraid on everything.

They hate me. Shatter marks crawled through him as the words stung his mind. Yes, this much was clear truth, they all hated him. Hated him for wanting to live, hated him for wanting to be strong. It seemed the only one who understood a lust for strength was Goth...

... Maybe his live up to this point was a test? Maybe Camma Zotz was te-

Shade suddenly felt like he had committed a horrible sin. But the half finished thought san so loud he knew Goth must have heard.

"You have a deal, little bat," there was a strange rhythm to the words 'little bat,' as they rolled past those powerful fangs. They almost sounded endearing... or, Goth's own personal version at least.

Goth found he couldn't take the smirk from his lips. Shade, _his_ Shade. He liked the idea. He could mold him, teach him to hunt and kill. Teach him to sing the echoes of his colony and how to read the stars... There was so much he wanted the little bat to know. Most of all he wanted him to know strength. He wanted to give that power he craved when everyone else seemed too quick to suffocate those hungry embers. A strange giddy excitement took Goth for the smallest of moments, before he tucked it in the back of his mind hurriedly. What would Shade be like when he grew? Surely he would be beautiful, black as jet with wings like polished metal. Everyone would grow impressed, and Shade would have all the admiration he'd ever wanted.

Yes, he would be powerful, beautiful, and _his_. Goth's smirk twisted, baring more glistening fangs.

Shade had to do something, to prove to himself he wasn't a monster. He hated all the labels, hating trying to fight into the right ones when no one seemed to agree on which labels he should fallow. So he lied, each word slicing his tongue like jagged stones.

'Over the hill...' Then what? Then Goth would find out he lied, Goth would hate him, and his hate was deadly. Everyone hated him now, he closed the jaws around his throat and now Goth was going to snap his neck. Tears stung his eyes, threatening to spill down in endless torrents. More then anything, he wanted someone, _anyone _to accept him.

He could fix it; he could swerve around and tell the truth, and close the jaws around his mother's throat instead of his. They might even be his jaws, he might even like it. He could never do that, _never_! He'd die instead... but they were so close, Goth might find her anyway, he would...

Shade saw the leaves laced with a sense of familiarity, and like unraveling wings the plan spread before him. He could make them sleep, fly away into the sun, delve into the searing light grasping his withering morals with feverish desperation. He could... really he could...

Then why was he shaking so? Why could he not stop the tremors and tears as he tucked the leaves close to his tiny form.

Tiny. He would always be tiny. His fantasy was dying; he was killing it away with each broken movement.

Time passed in broken fragments, Shade's pulse beating through him rough like an ocean current. A pain pierced his middle, right above his heart, and slowly crawled through him.

Shade was suddenly terrified he was going to be ripped in half. A taunting fantasy of heat, strength, and admiration from something that held both wrapped in muscle and leather filled his head, clear like an echo song. Morals, and the dying scraps of goodness in his heart clashed with the horribly wrong and horribly appealing idea. Shade's stomach twisted as he watched himself distantly. He was spreading the mulched up leaves over the meat. It wasn't too late, he could still warn Goth, or he could still give up and surrender the only thing he had ever wanted in order to do the right thing.

_The right thing_. Zotz he hated those words.

Anger shook the shallow rocky walls. Goth wanted him to eat. Shade felt the easy submission pull his jaws down over the flesh.

The tears that had been stinging the back of his eyes for what felt like eternity now spilled down, carving paths through his blood spattered snout.

The taste was awful, the sin stinging horribly on his tongue.

And it would never happen again. He would never be strong, never feel those burning eyes looking at him with a deranged sense of pride ever again.

Then he was shoved aside, and watched helplessly as Goth and Throb tore onto the contaminated meat. He opened his mouth, the words dying in his throat. No, he wasn't brave, wasn't _strong_ enough to stop this now.

Tears bled from him.

Suddenly he was back under Goth's silver varnished wings, back under the sucking warmth and powerful muscle. Goth's breath was slow, shallow. Shade felt the air rush in and out in fevered currents, it made his head spin. He hated himself, hated the world that made him sacrifice his happiness as he slithered out from Goth's warmth. The huge bat shuddered, looking suddenly quite cold and small as he curled in on himself, missing the suddenly absent warmth.

Shade's gaze fell to those eyes, closed, locked almost by magic.

_Never again._

He woke Marina, her trust of him hovering around her in jagged shards. She cradled them with her as they stood at the exit bathed in searing gold.

"Close your eyes..." Shade whispered, wanting to hide his tears, "And fly..."

And she did, disappearing in a flash of gold.

Shade stood still like a shadow, silent until the tremors took him once more.

"I-I...I can't," the words tumbled out on a rattling sob, "I can't!" He threw himself back into the folds of Goth's warm wings, biting back his sobs as tears rolled down his face.

He fell into the rhythm of Goth's heavy breathing, slipping away into dreams of the jungle.

_"I'm so sorry..."_

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There. I must say I enjoyed writting that! Now please, review!


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